Better living through chemistry

Are you as annoyed as I am by smelly hippies pushing organic food, literally, down every body's throats? Well, this news ought to throw a wet blanket on their hash-brownie and shroom party....

LONDON (Reuters) - Organic food has no nutritional or health benefits over ordinary food, according to a major study published Wednesday.

Researchers from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine said consumers were paying higher prices for organic food because of its perceived health benefits, creating a global organic market worth an estimated $48 billion in 2007.

A systematic review of 162 scientific papers published in the scientific literature over the last 50 years, however, found there was no significant difference.

In every one of the recent food scares in which fecal bacteria sickened or killed Americans, the problem was found to have originated with the stupid organic food industry. Hippies eschew productivity, modernity, and technology in favor of the muddled confusion of drug addiction, patchouli incense, and the phony idealism of "natural food" consumption. The problem is when they fertilize their crops with raw, untreated manure, their bountiful harvest of natural goodness goes to market contaminated with e-coli and makes everybody sick. Modern agricultural technology provides us with healthy, safe produce, devoid of contaminants and harmful bacteria because they douse it with a whole range of modern chemicals.

So, the next time you smugly shop at Whole Foods and pay $7 for organic sprouts, remember my $1.29 chemically-treated sprouts are just as nutritious and unlike yours, have no chance of killing me.