Give blood, assholes. It's the least you can do

The LifeSouth phlebotomist told me as she painlessly jabbed me with the needle this morning, that on a normal Tuesday, they get 5-10 donors, but today they have 75 scheduled. That’s good.

If you hoard toilet paper in a crisis all you are is an asshole, but if you CAN give blood and you don’t during a supply crisis, you might be costing somebody their life.

If you haven’t given blood since the Wuhan Virus hit, get out there if you qualify and do your part.

Bring our yer dead

Note to self: the neighbors don't appreciate it when you put on your Renaissance Fair costume and push your wheelbarrow up and down the street at 6:00am, ringing a bell and yelling, "Bring out yer dead. Bring out yer dead".

The Clinton's Epsteined Weinstein

Harvey Weinstein tested positive for Coronavirus in prison. Wow!

By infecting an already infirm 68-year-old man with what is almost certainly a deadly virus to him, the Clintons have effectively "Epsteined" Weinstein.

It's so diabolical I almost respect it. 👍

Joe Biden is feeling left out

Poor old demented Joe Biden keeps raising his hand but nobody's calling on him. The Wuhan Virus has taken all the air out of the room and Joe's attempt to dethrone President Trump has been all but forgotten.

Joe's election team decided to let him start doing a "virtual town hall" from his home. The problem is it's Joe Biden. He's incoherent, doddering, and wanders off-camera in mid-sentence. This is the hardest, cringing 4 minutes of video I've ever watched. Mercifully, they cut the feed so Joe didn't embarrass himself further.

I mean watch this and tall me you can imagine this guy being president. Even after this, his desperate campaign staff will let him start doing daily Coronavirus briefings just like Trump so he can tell the world what he would do instead. Sorry Joe but second-guessing a president from an armchair during a national crisis isn't a good look.

You wonder when the men in white coats and butterfly nets will take him by the arm and say it's time for your pills Joe and maybe a nap.

The strange days of Covid-19

Actual footage of the kid I hired to clean up the poop in my yard, when he learned that I don't have a dog.

via GIPHY

Necessity gives rise to adaptation

Necessity really is the mother of invention....and now adaptation.

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Are soft, flour tortillas flushable? Asking for a friend. 

Coronavirus does not give you the shits

I love that in the age of the Internet nothing is above mockery, ridicule, and scorn. 

Take that, hoarders! 😂

Pandemic or no, the Pope gets his weekly rake

Apparently, Pope Francis is appalled that the church has decided to close its doors during the Coronavirus spread. He commented:

“In these days we are united to the sick and the families suffering from this pandemic. I would also like to pray today for the shepherds who must accompany the people of God in this crisis.”

He then added: "Corona Schmarona, Lord help these shepherds to continue to pass the collection plates so that we may help ourselves, er, I mean, those in need."

I've included this helpful picture of this Sunday's rake from one pew in one Catholic church......not bad. 🙄 

My Friday commentary on the Coronavirus hysteria

Polygamy is the new monogamy

This is Kody Brown of the TLC show "Sister Wives", the ambitious husband to 4 wives in a more-or-less happy, polygamous marriage. The state of Utah is considering decriminalizing polygamy and making it simply an infraction rather than a felony.

Criminalizing polygamy hasn't stopped it. There are roughly 50,000 people currently living in polygamous families in Utah and elsewhere. They aren't hurting anybody.....maybe confusing their kids a little but that's their business.

Most mortal guys can barely handle the one wife we've got, if Kody wants to tackle 4 of them, go for it my brother. 😂😂

Hirsuited hipsters doomed to Coronavirus infection

Headline: [Men with facial hair are at greater risk for contracting Coronavirus because beards prevent respirators from properly sealing to the face.]

Hipsters everywhere reportedly distraught. 😂🤣😂

I've included this helpful graphic guide to CDC-approved facial hair patterns.

Mayor Pete's supporters

Over on "Hot Air" they asked where Mayor Pete's followers will go now that he's dropped out. Here are the top three answers:

3: Most of them being underachieving millennials, back to their parents' basement
2: Therapy, then vote for Trump
1: Both of them go to Sanders

Hahahaha, with apologies to Yogi Berra, the Interwebs are 50% hilarity, 50% brutality, and the rest is videos of animals being adorable.

Still irreverent after all these years

Me running from Barnes and Noble after putting a Betty Crocker cookbook in the "Women's Empowerment" section.

via GIPHY

Are there betting odds on Weinstein's survival in Riker's Island?

So Harvey Weinstein got sentenced to 23 years as the point-man of the #MeToo movement.
Because that’s a life sentence for him, he’s a good friend of Hillary Clinton’s, and has nothing to lose by dishing dirt, how long will he last at Riker’s before he gets “Epsteined”?

I predict he’ll be found dead in his cell in less than 6 months.

Suicide Chump

So Chelsea Manning apparently missed being in jail because even though Obama pardoned her, she managed to get back in the klink by refusing a subpoena to testify in some Wikileaks espionage trial or something and attempting(poorly) suicide by hanging herself with bedsheets. She's fine, I guess she just needed some attention or sympathy.

Anyway, the story reminded me of this classic Frank Zappa song. Better luck next time Chelsea!